Girl talk:”I can’t live without you. And you’ll never hear me say that to a boyfriend.”

On sports: “I must have a very strong vagina since I pushed my diaphragm out. It’s probably thanks to soccer.” What? No! Soccer doesn’t do kegels for you!”

Relationship talk:”My ex-boyfriend had serious communication issues”
“So did mine, remember?”
“Yeah but at least yours didn’t try to run away when you were yelling at him!”

More relationship talk: “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t know how to have a conversation. I told him to go to work and think about things to say to me when he comes home. Or find them on Reddit. Whatever. And if he can’t do that then it’s over.”

Granny about the daughter in law:
“She was wearing this yellow baby-poop hat, and she wouldn’t take it off. I said honey, you gotta lose the hat, it looks horrible on you.”
She said “I don’t want to take it off because it’s cold”
-Granny about the daughter in law:” She’s a nice girl, but sometimes she really speaks without thinking”

Granny looking at my acai bowl:” What is that goo you’re eating?”

Granny’s modern day dating advice to high schoolers:” When a guy takes you out on the first date, you look him straight in the eye and ask him:” What are you after? My values, or my vagina?”

Bay Area talk: “What is friendship based on in San Francisco?” “Bike Riding”

Evening conversations:” I will never ride your motorcycle nor your mustache”

Baker Beach, SF:” I have never been to this beach. The ocean looks cold. You think people swim in there?” “I don’t know. People are idiots”

On email correspondence:”I mean, do you know anybody who doesn’t check their emails other than drug dealers?”

At the farm:” Peacocks sounds like horror movies”

On technology: “why does my phone wants to write duck instead of dick?” “Cuz your phone is a prude”

On prospective new dates:”His eyes are as empty just like his wallet”

Relationship progress:”He’s always so cautious. Can you believe he pulled his fist illegal U turn in 30 something years just a few weeks ago?” “Watch out, first comes the illegal U turn, then comes the unsolicited dick pick”

Driving to Mount Tam Racquet Club: “Where is the class again? At Team Rocket Club?”

In yoga: “Where is your block?” “What? Where is my bra?”

Random conversations:”She looked like a young adult” “She looked like a chewy dog?”

One response to “2015 Quotes

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