Holy sh** it’s been A WHILE.
A while since I blogged. I while since I’ve put myself out there.
The things is, even though my Instagram maybe have told you otherwise, I did not feel like myself anymore.
I was lost for such a long time. Almost two freaking years spent in limbo. Spent talking way too much about my lame ex. Too much time literally contemplating why and how had I regressed so much and unable to do anything about it. I used to be organized, multitasking, on top of my sh**, one step ahead of the game. All of a sudden I could barely get out of bed. I needed to talk to my girlfriends constantly to have a source of comfort. I started shopping online for things that I didn’t even need. I welcomed any possible distraction and felt generally just very discouraged and hopeless.
I would literally avoiding looking at anything important, avoided talking to anyone who was asking anything of me, didn’t answer emails. I let myself go. I barely pulled myself together last minute for bills and other important matters but most of the time I was late and had to pay fees. My PO box got so jammed that I got a warning that they might shut it down. My website was left forgotten. I often caught myself avoiding thoughts and getting anxiety. I would do doing everything I didn’t need to be doing except for the one thing that I needed to be doing.
So many evenings spent on the bed staring at the wall lost in my thoughts and unable to find the motivation to just get up, brush my teeth, get in bed and to go sleep. I won’t blame anyone or anything. Maybe it was my break-up. Maybe a phase in my life. Maybe it was a Saturn Return. Who knows. But it did and now I am pretty sure I can say it is over.
A new air is coming through. The Valentina I knew, a person who is much more grounded and focused is back. I can feel myself having that drive coming from deep inside my core (solar plexus, thrid chakra anyone?) and propelling me forward. I now am so much more aware that each little action has a ripple effect and informs the action that will succeed it. So I try to make my bed in the morning. I try to get my sh** in order. I try to answer messages and emails even though my answers are sub-par. My everything is still far from being executed the way I want it to to be executed. I just do it.
When I am more productive I feel better about myself and I feel less anxious. Maybe more tired, and a little more wired, but less anxious and more fulfilled. The inertia that got me stuck before is now something foreign to me. And yet, for that long period of time when I experienced it, it felt stronger than me and unbeatable. I still don’t have an explanation for it.
A lot of being productive is about just getting stuff done and not postponing till tomorrow what can be done today. I have returned to my to-do lists. I am focusing on my yoga retreats. I try to remind myself that perfect is the enemy of good and I’d rather move forward than get stuck. I try, what can I say. And that is all that matters.
Photo Credit: Michael Melendez